I called Amina this evening. It was about 1:30 in Ohio. I woke her up. She sounded tired. I told her I’d let her go back to sleep. She said she’d call me tomorrow. We’ve talked once in almost two weeks, and that was a lame conversation that we cut short.
I got angry, but why? I don’t want to be angry over petty things. I guess I do want to be actively wanted, I want someone coming after me, and I’m not getting that from Amina. So what? Forget Amina? She has too much of her own life to give me enough of what I need. I’m angry because I’m hurt, and I’m hurt because she’s supposed to be one thing and she is totally not. Great expectations.
I feel helpless and unwanted by her. I know it’s not true. I’m angry because I don’t have the maturity not to be. This is a weak point, a personality fault. I never developed the maturity to take love and accept it as it is given. I still want love and attention as a child demands love and attention.
Now I’m older and mature in other ways. I have more of a consciousness about my anger and I react to it with the means of someone my age. I feel anger, I feel hate, I want to break up with Amina, I want to get away, I want to drink, I want to die. Take the anger of a neglected child and put it in an adult and I am what you get.
