The key thing for Amina and me is to be honest and spontaneous. It’s funny how that means something so different now than it meant several months ago. Several months ago it was an expression of optimism, to see how we could explore and build this relationship. Now being honest and spontaneous means we have no direction, no idea where we’re going, and that we’re looking for the landmines so that we know where they are. The character and color of our relationship has completely changed. Or so it feels. I can’t approach any aspect of our relationship without ending on a negative note.
She says to wait and see how it is when we’re together and see if it works then. I’d be totally fine with that, but my reservations are in my doubts that we’ll even make it that far. So I’m not so hot on this idea. It may work. If we can’t make it work while we’re apart, how strong really is it?
She has already implemented this wait and see strategy and she has left our problems behind her without telling me. The problem with that is that the problem is me, so if she’s put the problem behind her...that explains why communications have been so lacking lately. As far as she’s concerned there are no problems aside from distance, and being together will cure all.
Volumes are spoken in that she did this unilaterally. She just decided for herself that she can’t deal with this now, that the problem is distance, and therefore put it and me out of her mind. What does that say about me? What does that say about how she considers me?
Today was a majestic Autumn day. I went out and everything felt so alive. I went out and problems didn’t exist. No problems, only solutions.
