Amina went through crunch period and I was no where in sight. How presumptuous of me to think that I could have given emotional support to her. I’ve been fading from her life and I’m now waiting for her to have some time to consider where and whether I have a place in her future life. Pathetic.
I went to Oberlin as planned, but she treated me like I didn’t belong, like she had her own life now and I had no place in it. We used to have in-jokes between us. She still has in-jokes, but I’m not part of the “in”. I cut the trip short. It was wretched. I was totally wrong about her, my perceptions were totally off. I thought she was going through hard times and I thought maybe I could help. The truth was I was the hard time and she was fading me out.
We had long conversations before I left, that led me to leave. She wanted me to leave. I don’t know what I left behind. I tried to leave something, but I don’t think it was any use. I think her decision was made soon after I got there. Check out the crap that I wrote her:
Dear Amina,
Our understanding when I left was the final understanding between us. I don’t know why I’m even writing this, I just want to leave something for you. I’m writing this as an attempt to get down the gist of what we discussed, and hope I can get enough down so that you remind yourself when you have to consider my future role in your life.
You called yourself selfish. Perhaps you are, but I don’t hold that negatively. I call it “divinely selfish”. We are all divinely selfish to be true to ourselves and our own natures. So I understand if what you’re doing is selfish. You can’t be anything to anyone unless you approach yourself like that first. The concept of being divinely selfish is from Illusions. Someday you will read that book. Not for the content, but to see where I come from.
I was afraid of your being misguided in your efforts. I see potential of being misguided because what you’re doing is very important and very intense. It will be easy to get lost. It worries me that you say that you are numb. That is a source of misguidance. If I were to advise you, I would encourage you to get your feeling back before you embark on your endeavors. For myself I won’t embark on an endeavor like yours unless I’m secure with myself and know that I have a full deck. That is how I would know that I’m sincere and not being self-destructive. Of course you don’t share the history of self-destructiveness that I have.
I worry about the possibility of being careless or going about what you have to in a careless manner. I don’t want to insult you, though, by suggesting you would be careless about something that is so important. This is a mentioning of carefulness so that you will be careful. I remember when I was going through my troubles I realized the power of words and so I reminded myself of certain words like “god”, “justice”, “compassion”, etc.. Words that I would want you to keep in mind are “emotion”, “life”, “hearts”, “justice”, “truth”.
I will step into the background for you to find and resolve what you need to, and I give you whatever encouragement I can and I have faith in your abilities. Maybe you will find the same thing that I did in my period of soul-searching, that it’s not very fun doing it alone, even if it is personally satisfying. But you have to find out for yourself. But be honest with yourself, don’t torture yourself to prove something to yourself.
I hope you will remember our conversations and find truth and strength in them. I understand your need, but I can’t get rid of the hope that you will find that you need me and accept it and let me back into your heart so that you aren’t resisting whatever influence I have on you.
We did end up making a few promises, promises that aren’t written in stone and the breaking of which will not be construed as a breach of trust. The promises we made, any promises we make, I will perceive as hope. Not as binding.
Above all, be true to yourself and always do the right thing. You can’t get away from your nature. I ultimately want you to get what you really want, what is best for you, and what is you. If it’s me, then great, I hope you will be willing to inconvenience yourself to accommodate me. If it’s not me, then good luck in whatever you do. It will be none of my business.
If you decide that we can’t be together, you will probably remember how good I was to you and it will probably make you a little sad. All I have to say about that is what I said before. There is a lot of love flowing between and around us, let us not be foolish in trying to nail it down and set it in concrete. If you take love away from this, spread it to other people. If you think of the goodness I’ve shown you, it is your place to take that goodness and show it to other people and give to them.
Find your way to be happy and satisfied with yourself and your life. I’ll always be somewhere with you in my heart in some capacity. I love you dearly. I will always be your friend, I will always love you first and most, and I will always think of you, probably every day, even if we can’t bear being with each other due to circumstances that keep us apart.
God, what a load of crap! Painful. End of story.
