I put on that sob-story drama for Dean Hughes, making it sound like my life was completely falling apart, and then what do I go do? I go out and see John Woo's "Hard-Boiled" with Kevin and Ed. It feels good to have time, and that's precisely what I bought for myself. Time to get on my bike after dark and ride down to the BART station and to move with the night crowds. To wander city streets under arc lamp and avoid the seedy people and criticize the yuppies and pseudo-bohos.
There was a party tonight at Amita's place in the Mission District, not far from Nobuko. The Mission doesn't have a reputation of being the safest neighborhood, yet there I was, finding myself there at night doing things I wouldn't be doing if I was still in school. Ooh, exciting. Time that I've bought.
There is an electricity to the city at night, compared to suburban New Jersey or Ohio. Even Oakland. The San Francisco air feeling like there's something happening, unlike New York which was either hostile or too big (and boring) in its own self-importance. Although there was that one evening in high school with Olga, which became the topic of my college essay. Reminiscence. All very reminiscent of walking around Osaka for hours at two in the morning with Madoka and Sakura.
More than half the people at Amita's were Obies. Less than half were not. It's been so long since I've met people. I don't know if I can or want to start again now. I'm a loner. I like to do things alone. Going out and doing things and meeting people is so very incongruous to how I live my life; to how I want to live my life. Contrary to contrary opinion.
I prefer being withdrawn. That's what's real. Meeting people isn't bad, and going out and doing things isn't bad, but it's bad to think that there's more meaning to those encounters beyond superficial contact. It's distracting to my concentration. People aren't real. Going out and doing things and meeting people are only shadows, exercises in movement, facades.
My entire life has been withdrawn. It's all been about withdrawal. Otherwise, leave of absence. Going out and doing things has only reinforced my sensibilities about how superficial life is. I'm finding through experience now what I had known cognitively for years. Books aren't enough.
