I want to blow my brains out.
Kurt Cobain's suicide awakened something in me that has never went away.
This isn't life, this is not all that there is, and I'm sick of it. I want to get to whatever's next, move on instead of slogging around in this illusion. None of this is real, nothing I get from my senses is real and not a single thought that goes through my mind is real. No one is real. If I kill myself and come back not having the knowledge I have now, at least I won't be tortured by this minimal knowledge.
I will know all of nothing rather than a little of an overwhelming lot, blissful in my ignorance, normal and happy to just make money and raise a family. I will suffer as a sentient, but at least I can be blissful. And if it's time for me to get to the next level, the sooner the better. Listen to myself: if I kill myself and come back. What am I talking about, there is no self to kill.
It would be so easy to die. It would be so easy to live. It would be so hard to die. It would be so hard to live.
Kurt Cobain's suicide, for some reason, is real. I don't know why. I want to scream. I want to break out of this. I want to let go. I want to remember everything. I can't go on denying things in my past. I hate my parents, I want to rip their throats out with my bare hands for all they don't know and all they don't realize.
I want to admit all the things I've done wrong and all my faults. I want to face humiliation and be embarrassed to death. I don't want to hide anymore. I want the truth to come out and to show and face the truth. I want the wall torn down and all my anomalies and contradictions exposed. And only by becoming public can I make those things not mine, not me.
Was there anything enlightened about Kurt Cobain? Anything spiritual? He had such an impact on so many people. But he also had no impact on so many people. How to look at it? He was just a pop star? He wrote brilliant songs, he was honest to himself. He was true to his nature and lived what he was and what he wrote. What he wrote was what he was.
What bullshit text states that enlightenment means you’re happy and blissful? What idiot says that being one with the universe means you smile and walk on flowers, yogi painted priest dog asshole. White people sure eat that shit up.
I hate Amina. I hate Amina with every morsel in me. I hate her as much as I hate the 'rents. I hate the thought of her and the thought of her makes me sick. I regret not having the chance to make her burn.
The funny thing is that I was never into Nirvana. Whatever I heard on the radio was really good, but their popularity was a flag to me that they were just a passing trend. My natural reaction is to stay away from trends until the hoopla dies down, and only then can I find out what substance is really there. But something about Cobain killing himself made it real, made it sincere.
