My life as a whole is still what it always has been and I'm fine with that. I like having nothing to live for and not minding dying at any point. That's how I want to live my life, not looking for far off goals with desire as my motivation. That doesn't make much sense. If that's so, then what's the problem with getting from day to day?
Frances visited last week. We had a pretty good time. We went to St. Helena and got drunk, climbed rocks and cliffs along the coast, went up into the Marin Headlands. There was no real spark of friendship though, she felt only like a guest. Just a guest.
I've become so desensitized towards people and friends. With Frances there is still fallout from the frustration of her past two incredibly unhealthy relationships. Truth to tell, it would have made no difference if she didn't visit or hadn't gotten back in touch with me in the first place. It's good that she did and I'm glad for it, but it wouldn't have been for the worse if she hadn't.
Tria is a little different. I've been liking our friendship. I might even trust her. She's a lot of fun to be with and has kept my mind off how my life is going nowhere. I noticed while Frances was here that the only reason why I still have any sense of humor left is because of Tria.
Tria is great, but it is only a friendship. I would like to start going out with someone again. Frances and I talked about factors that would contribute to the ideal life or living. For me, finding that one special person is the most important thing. Not much else would make life worth living than finding that person that makes me feel comfortable in my skin.
I believe that Amina and I have met before in previous lifetimes. I think we go back a long way and every once in a while, in terms of lifetimes, our circumstances allow us to find each other. We have met each other in previous lifetimes in perhaps many different relationships. Maybe we've been lovers before, maybe parent-child, maybe siblings, maybe lifelong friends, maybe sworn enemies, maybe student-teacher, maybe rapist-victim, maybe Romeo and Juliet, maybe in some lifetimes we've left each other in the deepest of love, maybe in some our relationship was never resolved.
What happened to us in this lifetime may be so trivial. Our forms in Amina and Koji may seem so all-important, but we are just an episode. We knew each other for the whole of three years, how many years had passed before we met, how many more will pass now without each other. This is just one lifetime that failed. Many others we had been happy together, or happy in our separation with a love so strong. Maybe unhappy together or apart. This is just one lifetime.
It's not that important. We will live again and we will be brought together again. The child grew in the mother only to be born dead. Things look so promising only to be cut down unexpectedly. Our civilization grew only to be snuffed out by nuclear war. But other planets, other star systems, other dimensions, life and imagination goes on because that is the stuff of God.
I am here in this lifetime to learn to not be deceived or disturbed by appearances, they are only illusions. To be unaffected and unsaddened by them, they are only facts. The real life is in the learning and the growing. Amina is only an appearance of a soul that I know infinitely well. What she did is nothing. It was done by a woman I know as Amina. And that woman is just a single manifestation of a soul that is so much larger than either of us can ever imagine. I must cut through the appearance of Amina and see her true self so that I may recognize it in the future. But in the future, she will be the one who looks for me and teaches me how to forgive.
But maybe this isn't an end, just a beginning. That heart of Amina came and went and may never be a part of my life again. But maybe she opened something up for someone else to come in and teach me; someone I haven't recognized yet. Maybe Amina has absolutely nothing to do with anything.
