We talked for hours and hours. I've had immediate attractions to people, as well as crushes, but I don't think I've fallen in love with someone as fast as I did with Joy. Of course, it's very possible that I'm taking this all wrong. I would be fine with that. I have apprehensions about getting involved with someone at this point, wouldn't anyone be just a rebound from Amina?
I could easily say to myself that I don't want to get involved with anyone, I'm not ready for that kind of involvement. I just want to fall in love with someone.
But I wouldn't run away from her if she wanted to get involved. And I have fallen in love so fast before. Hiromi. Amina.
I waited on the corner of Fulton and Durant in Berkeley. I felt like I was waiting for someone already familiar. I felt calm. She waved from across the street when I looked up and saw her. I noticed her walk and how she sort of bobbed. She seemed confident and relaxed. She was smiling. I felt a playful push on my shoulder and walked up to her. It was a little scary how familiar she felt; shouldn't I be a little more formal; a little more social?
We started from a cafe that didn't have coffee, and subsequently moved to a spot of green on the Berkeley campus, to a spot of shade, to a spot of sun. Moment flowed into each other moment, all of it comfortable. Why I feel comfortable with her I don't know. I had told Tria that I don't feel comfortable with myself, implying that I wasn't comfortable with anyone else either. I don't know what it is.
It's been hard after Amina to have the confidence in myself to feel comfortable and to feel that someone might find me attractive. I still can't come to terms with someone caring about me. I don't care anything about Amina anymore, but her effect on me lingers on. Those two years of being friends were so stupid, so fake. We should have gone out earlier and gotten it over with. Instead we had those two years in which I irrevocably fell in love with her. There was nothing in the year that we went out that was good that lasted. I don't have any good memories of myself with her. But I also know that my memory of Amina is no longer right anymore.
I can't quite pin down my exact feelings about me and Joy. It's more than just liking her. I'm reluctant, but I'm not scared. I'm insecure but I don't care. I trust Joy, but I don't trust myself or my reality.
Looking at myself with Joy in the picture is so different from the way I've been seeing myself in the past half year. All of a sudden I want to try? All of a sudden I care? All of a sudden I'm alive? How could that be?
I've been so confused and ungrounded. I haven't been concerned about my future, all of a sudden it's important?
