I can't let this thing with Joy go any farther than it has gone. If she maintains interest and wants to pursue something further with me, I'll sustain my end, but I won't pursue her any further.
I think I trust her. More than most, but I still haven't fully recovered from Amina. I concern myself about the commitments I've made, the responsibilities I've taken. You have to take care of yourself before you think about taking care of other things. I do not take care of myself.
But wouldn't getting closer to Joy be taking care of myself, committing to something, exhibiting a willingness to share my life and myself with someone else? But then I think of the emotional toll on Joy from the baggage I'm carrying. Would it really be taking care of myself when I speculate how things might end up?
I'd rather self-destruct than put Joy through that, I'd rather be sad, I'd rather be alone. Besides, I'm still uncomfortable with myself, I still haven't committed to my own life. I don't drink because I have problems and alcohol helps me through, I drink because I'm trying to ruin my liver. I drink because I don't want to live past a certain age. Being sober wastes precious time.
Joy has dealt with many physical ailments: hypoglycemia, scoliosis, bronchitis, knee surgery, carpal tunnel, allergies, and whatever I haven't found out yet. She has to think about everything she consumes, her diet is extremely limited. It's easier for her to tell me what she can eat, rather than what she can't. Here I am having been given perfect health and I'm trying to destroy it. The wonder of it all.
Joy has already added to my life. Time to let her go. I want to be alone and enjoy the sadness that I wrap myself in before going to sleep.
