Shiho lies there sleeping. I think to myself how many people have I loved this much, this dearly. Perhaps just about all of them at some point. Why is this different? Why was Amina different? This is different. Shiho is different. But whenever I've loved anyone this much, I think my love has always reached this level. And the level reached has always been the same. Limited.
She lies there silent, so endeared to me. I wonder if she has any idea how much I love her. Does she know the capacity of my love? Do we love each other in the same way? Are our idea and conception of love the same? I think back to Osaka when she came to visit when she heard I was leaving. That afternoon we spent in each other's arms. I think back to a time in high school when there was a rehearsal going on in the basement, but I was so tired that I needed to take a nap. She came up to my room with me, I forget why, but then after I laid down and she was headed back downstairs, she quickly kissed me on the cheek before going. I ignored it, I wasn't in love with her at that time. Idiot.
I watch her sleeping and I just know this won't last, it is unrealistic. It is unreal. She's here for three days. Two days of travel to be with me for three days.
This past summer. Her apartment was so comfortable. Being there was so comfortable. That one night we went out to the overpass to watch the trains go under and drink beer. What power does love have to keep us together?
How can I love anyone now when I have so many loves in my past that were never resolved, that never reached a proper end?
I never know what is going on in Shiho's heart in any given moment. I never know what is going on in her heart in any given moment. I don't know how her heart works.
I want her to express to me, to tell me that she loves me, to let me know how she feels, but that is not her style. How long will I be able to stand not getting those things? The second time we got together she was just starting to be able to express her feelings in a way I could feel and appreciate.
So much is lying on faith. I understand that it is not her style and I can accept that and adjust. I can only trust that she loves me.
But what indication do I have that I can trust her? Our past? We would get together when we were together, but once we were apart we would fall for other people. And isn't to want such a trust the equivalent of trying to capture her? Trying to make something permanent out of something that can't be permanent, that I know is not permanent, that I feel should not be permanent.
Trust her after Amina? I can't. It's not a vindictive thing against Amina, it's not trauma of being betrayed, it's not emotional. It's fact, it's reality. That sort of trust is not an option anymore. I couldn't trust her even if I were to allow myself to try.
She's beautiful, though. I love her face, her skin, her sex, her presence. I love her existence. If only she loved me back...
