November 1995
How exactly should I feel about making it to the oral argument semi-finals for Appellate Advocacy? Crap! Big fucking deal, but my stress level has shot up double because of it. I was so much looking forward to getting oral arguments done with and having Madoka's boyfriend visit and go so that I could spend time catching up in all my other courses I've been neglecting for the oral argument for App Ad.
It has only been several months, but my patience has been wearing thin at home and I now consider Nobuko and Vikki just as detached housemates. Our friendships end at the front door. Lisa was out of the loop pretty much from day one, she just changed so much and she wasn't cooperating with any of us. You know a friendship is at an end when jokes aren't funny anymore and they become interpreted as attacks.
Ana Claire
It was beyond weird that while I was visiting Shiho in Japan this Summer, I ran into Ana Claire in Harajuku. We had just done a SHAG performance right before I went to Japan and neither of us knew the other was going to be there. Then on Sunday, Shiho took me to Harajuku, a park where a bunch of bands and performance artists just set up and play. A hip young scene, and we were walking down the sidewalk and watching the people doing their thing, and my eye catches this woman who is vaguely familiar. Then we make eye contact and I think, "Wow, looks just like Ana Claire". It took about three seconds to realize it was Ana Claire.
Then earlier this month, I drove Tetsuya, Madoka's boyfriend, to San Francisco airport to go back to Japan. That worked out for me because I was going to see Belly at the Fillmore and I wanted to have my car in the city. So after the airport, I needed to park where I wouldn't get a ticket during the day but could get to BART to go to school. I tried parking around the 16th St. BART vicinity, but after I parked, I realized there was a 2 hour limit. So I got back into the car and drove up to 24th St. and found parking and proceeded to the 24th St. BART.
While walking to the BART station, I arbitrarily decided to cross the street. I was going to cross at some point, but it was totally arbitrary where I crossed, not even at an intersection. So there is no wonder about my surprise when I crossed the street and Ana Claire was right there. There must be some meaning attached to Ana Claire. These "coincidences" can't be just coincidences. There is supposed to be something there; if not her, then some connection of hers. But if I'm reading the signs correctly, Ana Claire must be in my life at this point for some reason.
If I hadn't crossed the street at that arbitrary point, Ana Claire would have been on one side of the street and I would have been on the other and we would have totally missed each other. Has that happened before? What if we had not met through SHAG? Would the non-existence of SHAG in either of our lives altered our lives so much that either of us would not have been in Harajuku on that Sunday, or on 24th St. that morning? If we had never met, would we not have been in Harajuku in Tokyo in Japan on that day? That's possible, maybe SHAG changed our schedules. But if it didn't, we would have passed each other right by, maybe making eye contact, assuming each other was Japanese.
How about if we never met and both of those events occurred? We would have passed each other in Harajuku and then on 24th St. On what level would we have recognized each other? At all? Probably not. If we had never met, we would have been two random people who randomly ran into each other at two random places in two different countries at two random times and didn't recognize each other.
Shiho
Shiho was predictable to the last; it was pathetic. I didn't need to use half the tact that I ended up using, and I didn't use much. She didn't offer a single objection to breaking up. I handed it to her on a silver platter and she probably feels like the luckiest girl in the world. She didn't have to do anything, she just went right along with it. I made it clear that she had no say in it, though. Why did I do that? Because she had nothing to say about it.
It hurts, but I'm so glad to be out of that relationship. It was twisted and staying in it...I found out something about her character; I'm glad I got out. I knew nothing about her and she told me nothing. She didn't communicate anything to me. I put in so much and she gave nothing. We were substanceless in the end, and that's what hurts the most. The best sex, though, too bad the relationship was nothing.
I didn't show any of the resentment that has grown towards her. Maybe that's a good thing. It shows what this relationship was - she had no clue what I was feeling; never tried to participate or figure out the other side. It shouldn't be hard getting her out of my life. I just have to remember she was never really in it.
I was hoping that my trust would somehow survive all this. The thought occurred to me that maybe the reason why I've been so quick to trust people I've been interested in is because of good experiences with people in past lives. I was hoping not to taint my trust in future lives, but if it happens, it can't be helped.
At least one ancient, nagging question got answered. If I had tried to hold on to Shiho the second time we started going out, could I have? I didn't try because of Amina. The answer, I know now, is no. I know that when Amina and I started going out, she was also at the very least interested in someone else. I have no proof of it, but I know it. She would have been in a similar situation as we were just in, and she would have chosen the other person then, too.
I will never be anyone's second choice. Once there is anyone else in the picture, I'm gone.
