February 1996
I want to die this year. Forget everything I said about it being my life goal to simply not kill myself. It's not going to happen. I've made my decision and I'm going to carry it out this year. The projected date at this point is sometime in April. I don't like things around my neck, so I cut off all the collars on my shirts. I probably swung. Fear of heights, I probably jumped. The cutting, I slashed my wrists. I have no idea where the arachnophobia comes from. Maybe I just don't like spiders. I have nothing about water. I used to dehydrate easily, but I don't see how that fits in. I am Aquarius. Maybe this time I'll satisfy this allure towards water.
I stopped drinking at the beginning of the year. Occasionally I’ll have a shot of something, but the constant drinking is over. I went from more than a bottle a week for I don't know how many years to less than one in almost two months. Not a single person has noticed any difference. People who wondered if I was alcoholic, they can't tell the difference between when I've been drinking or when I'm sober. So what gave them the right to call me an alcoholic?
Cat's my closest friend now. I only trust her because she doesn't trust me. She doesn't show me her true self and she always has a front up - defenses. So we get along just fine. She doesn't know me, though. She makes too many wrong assumptions and she sees too much what she wants to see, rather than what I want to show. Is she expendable? I think so. It's only a matter of time, but I genuinely like her a lot and she's the only person I can deal with under any condition these days.
Nobuko and Vikki I no longer consider friends. Housemates. Good housemates, but not friends.
Ana Claire and I have stopped fucking and we don't see much of each other anymore. I guess I got sick of her, her condescension, her arrogance, her pomposity. We may still be friends, who knows? But she's definitely expendable. Less than expandable. Ejectable.
I don't think anyone is not expandable. People are screwed up; disappointments, disillusioning. I'm confounded by humans and the relationships they have. Isn't there anyone out there I can meet who is normal? Who's sane? Even Cat is a furious ball of issues. She thinks I'm up to my ears in issues, and I don't think she thinks that I deal with them.
I've actually been trying to be more forgiving, more understanding, more patient. More from a religious motivation than anything else. Patience and forbearance. Humility, egolessness. I've started with people around me. It's a constant practice to let things go. Frustration, antagonism, let it go. It feels good. It's the martyr in all we religious types, you know?
I will kill myself, but I won't do it angry or sad or with too many relationships and issues unresolved. I want to disappear and I don't want a body found.
Life is art, figuratively and literally. The difference is that we don't know the source material we use to create life. It's imagination. Not everyone has a canvas, or a camera, or a guitar, or pen and paper, but everyone has imagination. Not everyone knows what to do with it.
Affirmation:
I don't deserve to feel the air rushing down my throat and into my lungs, where blood cells deposit carbon dioxide, pick up oxygen, and deliver it around my body to wherever needs it most. I don't deserve to have richly crimson blood running through my veins thick in diligent sustenance of all I do. I don't deserve to have thoughts to think these things and see, hear, sense, touch, taste, smell the world from the confines of this small head and this small body. I don't deserve to be trapped like this.
I don't deserve love, with my rage potential, deft psychological tongue-lashing, sharp skill to hone in on anybody's emotional weaknesses. I don't deserve care, with my general disregard for the value of my own life, inability to support or preserve the things in other people which give my life meaning, inability to nurture, express, give a kind, sincere word to another living breathing human being, one that deserves to live.
I deserve to be on death row, to be put to death by all the people who have even mildly been hurt by me. I deserve lethal injection, gas chamber, electrocution, death by hanging, death by firing squad, death by phaser, death by stoning. I deserve my final meal (lasagna), my last rites, meeting with a pastorpriestspirtualguide...rabbi; guru, master, abbot, monk, nun,...the Pope. A fresh change of clothes. A fresh look on life.
I don't deserve to stand and balance. I deserve to have lots and lots of money. I don't deserve to love the fog, the rain, the sunshine, the mountaintops, the ocean views. I deserve to speak with angels. I don't deserve having to unclog the drain, to dry the carpet from the flooding. I deserve to slash rivers of salt in my sleeves. I don't deserve to sit here and bide my time and let the world go by. I deserve to just sit. I don't deserve tears. I do deserve milk and cookies.
Is my experience really unique? Is there really any difference between what I go through and what anyone else goes through? Or do I overreact to my experience in a way that other people don't? Do other people handle it and deal with it so much better than I do? Am I so dysfunctional and immature in not being able to handle it? Have I not grown at all?
I don't know, I don't have that objectivity. So the best I can do is explain my side and let whoever else cast their own judgments. Why do I need to explain my side and subject myself to judgments? Why not? Because I'm me.
No one can say that I don't try. No one can say that I run away from my fears and problems. I face them and confront them and I fight them if I have to; even if it's a losing battle. I don't create my fears to give myself an excuse to run from something. I balance factors. I assess situations. If I don't feel confident enough about something, I might not pursue it, but if it's something that means something, I won't run away from it.
People get hurt. People get betrayed by people they trust. Why is my experience with Amina and Shiho any different from anybody else's experience of betrayal? Why do I think I'm so special to be able to devalue myself to zero, justifying becoming nothing, just because I wasn't what I thought I was to someone else? Just because someone else wasn't what I thought she was?
Where did I learn to trust? It certainly wasn't from family. Amina was worse than family because I never trusted the 'rents. They could never betray me. Shiho was worse than Amina because at least there was a basis for Amina's betrayal. We had fights, things were going wrong and we weren't able to work things out. I was waiting for some future time to deal with them, but that time never came. It got too bad for her before then. Although I don't even know if our problems were the reason for the betrayal.
But Shiho, none of it was my fault, it was all about her going back to her jerk of an ex-boyfriend. We never fought, I showed her respect and understanding, even when she told me she was considering going back to her ex. I didn't pressure her, I gave her all the room in the world to decide what she felt and what she wanted to do. In return there was nothing, until finally I was wasting my time and knew she wanted to break up but didn't have the guts to do it. So I even did that for her. After that, there was nothing. I have no respect for her now. They belong together.
Is this all enough to value myself at zero? I wasn't even worth an explanation to either of them. No extended discussions, no further clarifications, no later check-in to see how I was doing. Just close the door, nothing ever existed. That is my worth to the people I loved most in my life. Things happened, it's my life, it's my problem, I lived my life and living has it's consequences. If I value my life at zero, so be it, and if I decide to kill my life because it has no value, let it be.
