May 1998
I'm dealing with a brimful of resentment that I'd been suppressing. I certainly will not be looking back at this relationship fondly. Right next to any memories that may have reminded me of her in a light of fondness...
Her screaming "I hate you" out of the window as I left the house, walking down the hill, away from her venom.
The sound of her throwing things around her room, calling me "asshole" through the wall.
The sound of her destroying the puzzle of Klimt's “The Kiss” that I got for her and meant so much to me because I thought it meant something to her.
Her calling me on the phone from the next room just to yell, "I know everything!", insipidly implying that I'd been hiding something from her all the while.
I have a lot of resentment now and I wish I could burn her memory out of my mind. Ironically, she was so close to being the one for me. If there wasn't violence...I don't know. I mentioned that it was just a catalyst and our problems ran much deeper. I don't know if those problems would have been solved even without the violence.
Maybe she was right. I wasn't happy with the relationship even though I thought it was. Maybe I was in denial and she could sense it. I don't know. Maybe I wasn't happy with the relationship and was in denial, but I don't know if she really sensed it. It's just as much a possibility that she's just extremely, extremely insecure and paranoid and conjured up all these scenarios to be jealous about because of her fear.
And she's moving out. She couldn't do anything worse to hammer the final nail into the coffin of our relationship. It's abandonment, it's running away, it's counter to anything that could possibly be considered communication. So forget it. She's out. She's dead to me. I did love her. I still do, but I would never go back to her.
Who would I go back to? Not Amina, probably not Shiho. What were their fatal flaws? Amina just doesn't exist anymore. The magnitude of her betrayal rescinded her existence to me. What I loved and still love does not exist anymore in regard to her. I'm sure she's changed beyond my recognition and any pangs are only reminiscences from before. Shiho's fatal flaw is spinelessness. Not being able to break up even when I knew that's what she wanted. She lost my respect.
Luyen just got annoying after a while. Hiromi suffered because of me, she didn't do anything wrong. We didn't communicate and there were serious chemistry problems, but my apologies to her would fill an ocean. I did her wrong, even if I eventually meant nothing to her. Maybe that’s why I meant nothing to her. I was the spineless one. And ironically, it was the semester with her I would relive if I could relive any part of a past relationship. Coffee. Third World House. Sakuko and I just didn’t work at that time. It may have worked if it happened now. I had too many problems back then.
And I wouldn’t go back to Josephine because there is this list of fatal flaws that indicate she is very simply the wrong person for me, which counters any good points of our relationship.
