My life has really fallen apart without my noticing it. Everything just went wrong and fell apart last semester. I have nothing. I had Sakuko and I lost her. Now I have nothing. No plans, no possibilities, no potential.
I really need to change. Before we broke up, I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t be the one to break up the relationship because I wasn’t sure whether I’d be doing it for real, legitimate reasons, or if it was because of my psychology. If it was my psychology, not only would it have been solely my fault, but it would be inevitable and I’d be responsible for putting Sakuko through shit that she nor nobody deserved.
It didn’t work, I ended up repressing a lot of bad feelings towards her and they’ve all been coming out since breaking up. It still was my psychology, there was no avoiding it. To me, “getting to know someone” means collecting their faults until my mind decides that they are too imperfect for me. Or rather that they are imperfect period. There were problems with the relationship, but there were more problems about me. And the problems about me probably caused the problems with the relationship.
There was probably little wrong with Sakuko. She was perfect for me in many ways. What more could I have asked for? She was devoted, kind, pretty, sexy, considerate, intelligent, caring. Good lord, what more am I asking for?
Instead I chose a perspective that emphasized her imperfections. It doesn’t have to be that way. It can’t be that way anymore or I’m doomed to be alone. How to change, I haven’t the slightest idea. I haven’t even a grasp on my problem.
