Existence has reached new levels of futility. Luyen has worked herself back into my life. Looking back, it appears that she started getting better, gaining some clarity, and approached me under the pretext of wanting some guidance. She had been coming over with things on her mind and would end up staying over. I thought it was for comfort and was willing to oblige, but either on the second or third night we ended up kissing. It wasn’t clear for a while if we were going out or not, but soon our nights got more sober and intentional and she smiled a lot, which indicated to me that she was better and knew what she wanted.
When we first started going out earlier in the semester, I don’t think I wanted to. I think it was a sad attempt to live off what we had last semester. And last semester was a completely different story than this semester. But now things are looking a little clearer. We haven’t had sex. She has reservations about it and I think we’re both somewhat reluctant to take that step. Sex is commitment and I guess she doesn’t want to commit that way. That’s fine with me, I don’t even know where I stand or if I want to either. I’m just going to let this take its course and tell myself I won’t blame myself if things go terribly wrong. Alcohol helps me to not think about it. It helps a lot just to be numb a lot.
And I broke up with Amina. Well, the friendship anyway. I left a message on her machine that I didn’t want to hang out with her or women anymore. It did finally get to me. I don’t have an argument or explanation, just a voice in the back of my mind telling me there’s something wrong with the nature of my relationship with the women in my life. I have so many intimate women friends, but I’ll never be a part of that. So I got tired of the cheap thrills at my expense, making me feel bad so that they can have a sense of solidarity. And that is what my friendship with Amina has boiled down to. And when it’s Amina who I cherish so dearly, it takes its toll.
Amina has always bashed men, and I took it in stride because I think she’s largely right about them. I’m certainly not going to defend my gender. I kind of hoped that she considered me an exception, but after a while it felt pretty clear that I’m no exception. It feels like I’m the whipping boy. And I won’t criticize it, but I don’t think I have to put myself in that position if I don’t want to. It got to a point that I stopped trusting Amina. I didn’t know where I stood in her life or if I meant anything to her. I didn’t know when it would be that she would simply turn against me just because I’m male. I don’t think I stand anywhere in her life. I’d rather be out of her life, no loss for her, I’m sure.
