Back from Spring Tour, it seems that every time I’ve gone out on tour with the Can Consortium, I come back with a bad taste in my mouth concerning white people. Being American is different from being white. I’m American. I’m not white. There is a definite culture of whiteness and people seem to find it interchangeable with American culture. It’s not.
Luyen is back and met me with what seems to be becoming a characteristic cool and aloof indifference. This relationship can’t last. I don’t see it beyond my graduating. I think she takes it for granted, and I recall myself at her age (so long ago) and I think I probably took relationships for granted back then as well. I can’t push her away, but we aren’t close. She isn’t drawing me in or closing the distance between us.
I’ve been fighting depression all day. The weather has a lot to do with it but it’s also everything else and all the people. I’ve pushed Amina, Diem and Vikki out of my life but not out of my heart. I hate where I am and the people around me. I need a nurturing environment. I need to be surrounded by good people; good, strong, secure people who would bring that side of me out. Today I had to face it: I’m depressed and alone and I don’t like it.
