I’m alone. Really alone. Luyen left for Florida today, so she won’t be coming over tonight. Diem and Vikki are also gone for Spring break. Amina’s out of the picture. I’ve just about alienated everyone, haven’t I? It’s the old pattern of getting people out of my life. And it overwhelms on this evening when everyone is gone, this feeling of emptiness. Cold, dark, and snowing up a storm.
Tomorrow the Can Consortium heads out of town for its Spring Tour. The snow is a cause for some concern. This evening I went over to the Conservatory studio to do some recording on Ken’s songs that we’re doing this semester. Art and Tim Chen are doing a studio recording private reading and we’re using it as an opportunity to get Ken’s songs on tape. After I was done, I walked home with my bass on my shoulder with the snow quietly falling.
I’m reviewing the situation. Everything seems to be going in cycles of deterioration and renewal. It’s a pattern. I feel like I’ve been here before and that I’ve done this before and said this before. I can’t seem to convince myself of the truth that how I feel now is not how I’m going to feel in a few days, weeks, or later. Nothing is permanent or real. Yet I treat it like it is. Again.
Yet this is the way I’ve designed my life. I’ve created these patterns and cycles. Would I want it any other way? Not at this point. Point.
