Every once in a while, I have pangs of conscience asking whether or not I am fully justified through all this. Isn’t there some moral yardstick that would mark my actions as bad? It’s a moot point in any case, just an exercise, and if an answer had to be given, I think I am justified. The issue hit me hard involving, ironically, money. It was a fully emotional response out of my control. It is when they shell out the money that I get vulnerable. Then I must remember that they wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t going through this law school garbage.
If they are shelling out all this money, don’t I have a responsibility? No, money doesn’t buy responsibility, it buys a contractual obligation at best. My responsibility is myself and my well-being, not something they think can be taken care of by throwing money at me. And money is control. They are still trying to pull strings with money. They try to use money both as their twisted notion of love and as a control mechanism. My defenses need to be full up against any feelings of guilt.
There are serious problems with their philosophy when I ask for money for this trip to Oberlin and they become reluctant and tell me I have to calculate everything and return anything that’s left over. Hey, it’s their money, I say, “OK”. What can I say? When they said, “stay at home, study for law school and have peace of mind”, I recall them also saying something about just asking for money if I need it, and there will be no questions asked. When they’re sending contradictory messages, I feel justified in choosing which message is valid. And the message I choose is that money is their way of exercising control. The bottom line is that the message isn’t contradictory, there is only one message.
