I wouldn’t believe it if it hadn’t happened before my own eyes. Sunny meadows in Summer, why couldn’t Amina have loved me before? Why didn’t she just tell me? Then it wouldn’t be now that I’m waxing ecstatic, verging hysterical, yelling “Amina loves me!!!” and having it skywritten between the Manhattan clouds.
Almost two years of being in love with her, getting only friendship in return, forcing friendship so that I didn’t mess things up, so that comfortable company didn’t become uncomfortable silence, so that I didn’t lose her proximity, so that it could remain a relationship with no earmarks of a love spurned. Finally, it comes out that she loves me back and allegedly has for an undetermined amount of time. She says longer than I believe.
These two weeks may just be the happiest two weeks of my life. It was more than great to see her again, I melted when I saw her, but what happened I could never have anticipated. The dorms were closed, so we were staying in Madoka’s room in her off-campus house. We did everything together. The only time we spent apart from each other was when we took separate showers. It was so comfortable, natural, chemical, intense, intimate, fun, and carefree.
When we went to Chicago to visit Pasha, there wasn’t the three of us. It was Pasha, and then it was Amina and me. We were inseparable, one entity. We slept on Pasha’s floor, and I was pleased as spiked punch that Amina chose to sleep in a direction where our heads were close to each other. I would have been perfectly happy to sleep with her feet. But with our heads close together, it was easy to reach over and hold her hand in the dark, and I didn’t see anything coming. Is there anything more natural than holding hands?
There wasn’t an uneventful day. One night back at Oberlin, we were just being playfully intimate and decided to sleep together, promising to “be good” (her reaction: “darn”, and I still didn’t see anything coming). I don’t remember, it must have been my suggestion, but it couldn’t have entered my mind that she would agree. It was unprecedented. But it was so nice and it went on for a few days.
Then one night there was a little tension, it was a little spat, some minor hurtful things were said to each other, but we talked it through to a better understanding and rolled over and went to sleep. We could have kissed each other goodnight it was so perfect. Some time later, I woke up and I was kissing her! Or she was kissing me. Our lips were touching. I remember thinking, “Good lord, she’s asleep and she doesn’t know what she’s doing”. I wondered what to do. Should I tactfully remove my lips from hers and hope she didn’t wake up and pretend nothing happened? Or should I take advantage of the situation and continue to do what I never thought I’d do – kiss Amina’s lips. But she was awake. And there was no need to stop. We didn’t.
So. Am I cheating on Shiho? Should this be a dilemma? Shiho is my girlfriend now, so doesn’t this constitute cheating? This has happened before and I told Shiho that I don’t make the same mistake twice. There was an implicit promise that the past wouldn’t be repeated. It is imperative that I don’t hurt Shiho this time. This is exactly the same as what happened before. We start going out right before being parted and reality and immediacy take over. The distance is too much for the relationship and I don’t know about her side of the ocean, but I start going out with someone before we officially break things off or let them fade.
But it’s Amina! She is undoubtedly the love of my life, and yes I love her more and more intensely than Shiho. Shiho has always been a part of my life and I’ve loved her like that, but in a romantic love with this intensity, I’ve loved Amina longer.
Amina knows about Shiho and me, I’ve told her, and she finds no discrepancy. That kind of furrows my brow. Amina has been hurt in relationships before and never would she participate in a similar hurt to another woman. She apparently finds something alright in this situation.
All I can say is: it’s Amina. Amina justifies anything. In the sea of love, there are no shores, all you can do is drown.
Anyway, Amina isn’t in love with me, she just loves me an incredible much. Although I doubt her claims that she does so more than I love her. As long as Amina has made that clear, I’m not confused about what’s going on in my mind and heart, and Shiho’s role in my life at this point remains untouched. Amina is just fact in whatever capacity she exists in my life, and anyone I go out with just has to deal with that. Whoever I marry, I will love Amina first and most, and I’ve told her as much. I remember thinking this after getting back together with Shiho and realizing I have to keep it a secret. Amina also doesn’t want anything from me. That’s also fact. So if I do decide to marry anyone, and I’m doubting it more and more, I think it would be Shiho over Amina.
