I told Cat everything about Amina that has been eating at me. I don't know if that was a good idea. I haven't talked about Amina to anyone who knew about us. Cat didn't know about us and that we were in a relationship, but she knew both of us as people at Oberlin. She had heard our names and seen our faces. It was painful talking about Amina and telling the truth about it.
Do unresolved issues always come back to demand resolution? There was a lot unresolved with Amina, but I'm not sure she feels that way. The way she cut everything off so swiftly and completely makes me think that there was no issue unresolved for her. It was done, get rid of it.
So what would I do if someday I get a call out of the blue from Amina? What would I do if I got a call from her now? I would tell her that I hated her. I would tell her that I lost all respect for her and that what she did was heartless and cowardly. And if she stayed on the line that long, I would also tell her that I would always be her friend and would always be open to her in a time of need.
But if we tried to continue a friendship, my hatred and resentment would be the foundation for it. I couldn't ever be indifferent to her, and I don't think I could ever love her again, so the feeling that would make a friendship possible must be hate.
Vikki got into town yesterday. Lisa, Nobuko, and I were cleaning the new house and she waltzed in. Things were weird and we didn't communicate or make eye contact, but I don't think anything is wrong between us. Vikki is just incredibly neurotic. Then I recently realized that I also get neurotic about Vikki. But when I'm finally around her, I find that it's all unfounded.
If anyone, it's Lisa who is going to be the problem in the household. It seems that she's getting a lot more selfish and obnoxious. I don't know what her problem is, but she's just thinking about herself and going against the rest of us. I think the lines of house politics have already been drawn. This can't be a good thing. When I don't like someone, I have a tendency to act like they don't exist. But I think Nobuko will always take Lisa's side if she feels I'm being cruel or unfair, so that's good.
