What if I weren't moving to Berkeley at the end of the month? What does this move mean to me? It means moving away from the ocean; being safe from the ocean. It means responsibility and being a part of a group, ending my isolation, getting back in touch with a social group.
I'm as ready to die as I'll ever be. Why am I moving to Berkeley? Why am I doing this to myself? I have nothing to stop me now except this move to Berkeley. Otherwise it would be so easy to start packing the apartment right now, planning a trip back East to return the car (optional), doing the mental preparation; visualizing stepping into the surf, what I'd be wearing, the time of night, the possible fog or clear skies, how much I need to have drunk. Why not just do it today? This is so frustrating. Meant to be.
My life is unbearably pointless. I feel empty and meaningless. I dread waking up and hate actually doing it. I don't feel close to anything or anyone, I have no connection, no relation to anything or anyone. I stand in my room, I acknowledge my existence and find it wholly pointless and void.
