If I stay away from Josephine long enough, she will fade. It can be over right now and it would make no difference to how I’m living my life and how I see the near future. This fight will be extremely difficult to reconcile and I question whether I really want to. I’ve always felt this relationship has been an “all or none” deal, and that is the result of how our relationship was a year ago. When it was young, when we moved in together, she monopolized my life and demanded more than I should ever give. And even though she has changed and doesn’t demand all or none, the echoes are still here. And no more am I in the “all” camp, and so I am feeling “none”.
Today was another beautiful day, warm and sunny. I finished recording a David Bowie song for fun, and had Japanese noodles for lunch. On the way to school, well way out of the way, I rode to the beach at sunset. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. I don’t know if that was it, or whether it was because I got nothing done on my exam, but I was just tired, depressed, and introspective afterwards.
Drinking has also been wiping me out lately. I wonder how my liver is doing. Diem told me her uncle died when he was 34 and he had drinking habits like mine. But I wonder if he ever tried to overdose on sleeping pills, which must wreak havoc on the liver. I haven’t done it in a year, but it is in my history.
I don’t mind dying. On the threshold of turning 30, any time will do now and I don’t plan on changing anything in reaction to the threat of dying. Fine I’ll drink myself to death, or get smashed on my bike in traffic at night because I don’t use lights or a helmet. I welcome dying. It’s almost time.
