Everything is a mess, my existence, my life, my well-being, my awareness, my perception are all crashing down around me and I don’t feel a thing. I can’t touch it. I have consciousness, that’s about it. Everything is so shaky. I’m not doing anything and I’m totally unmotivated and I’m finding little satisfaction in anything. Another cycle of self-destruction.
I love Josephine, but there is no doubt that the relationship was not working and would continue not working. And that’s what is hardest. The temptation is so great to get back in touch with her, the desire is fully there, but I have to resist, restrain, discipline.
But now I don’t think I could go back to the relationship even if I succumbed to the temptation. Upon her decision to end it once and for all, my life has completely jumped tracks. I’m on a completely different set of tracks, headed in a new direction, and the idea of getting back on the tracks I was on when I was with her is almost impossible now, it’s unthinkable.
But yea, that was it. That was the final decision and there is no going back on it. That was the point. The fights were the proof. The distrust was huge. The relationship was at its critical juncture, and we chose to end it instead of finding out a plan how to make it better and then executing it. Neither of us had any idea what sort of plan might have worked. Neither of us had the will to execute it, too much shit between us, too much distrust.
So maybe it isn’t my life that is a mess. Maybe this is what it feels like to be devastated over a relationship. Maybe all this is just about breaking up with Josephine and how that feels. And once I recover from the breakup, my life and feelings won’t be so tortured. So I’m growing. And I really love her and miss her. And the thought of the day that she leaves for Taiwan is unthinkable. Who will take her to the airport, who will be there to see her off? My heart will shatter when she leaves. Darling sweet Josephine. But that’s the way it has to be.
