At the center of my existence is anger. It's something I haven't really touched or dealt with in a while. It's not denial, I just haven't had the need to. And more importantly, dealing with it probably would have been a really bad idea. Not dealing with it was a safety mechanism. If I grappled with it, I would probably have killed myself. I don't think I'm suppressing or repressing anything in any extreme, unhealthy way. It's always there and it's getting expressed some way or another, but I just can't grab it with both hands and deal with it because that would be too overwhelming.
But it's certainly not benign, and it certainly is keeping me from...I don't know what. Something. It's a great unknown. I don't know what to do with it. For now it's alright to acknowledge it and that it is having an adverse effect on my living my life.
