March was a tougher month than I had realized. The blizzard and dealing with the 'rents really took their toll. I ended up going out to Oberlin last week. Things turned out fine, great, but they started off rocky. I wonder if this isn't the greatest time for Amina and I to have started going out. My situation here is so unstable and makes my feelings uncontrollable and unpredictable. I don't think Amina really grasps or sympathizes with what it's like for me here, and it makes me anxious whenever I feel emotional distance between us.
Before I went, I tortured myself deciding whether to go or not. Amina hadn't been able to sanction it because I couldn't get in touch with her, and that was extremely frustrating and probably where I felt the emotional distance. The night before I left, I spent hours sitting and thinking about it before I fell asleep. Then I grappled with it some more after waking up. And still l couldn't reach her on the phone. She was still inaccessible.
I had been feeling that our relationship was beginning to slide and that it would be jeopardized if I didn't go see her and make a connection. But there was a big risk in going out without her sanctioning it. Finally I decided that I had to go and left without telling her I was coming. I really thought that I was going to regret it and that something awful was going to happen between us. I kept wanting to turn back and I drove for five hours straight because I if I stopped for gas or food, I probably would have headed back to New Jersey.
I arrived a total mess and then I distracted her from her work and then we had one really tough night. We talked it through and I think we managed to do some serious building, but I'm not sure why or what. I can't make the direct connection between that talk and what we built. But there is something between us now that wasn't there before, so we definitely built something.
It feels like there is a new dimension between us, something fresh, more mature, although it didn't feel like there was anything missing or anything immature about us before. I don't think there is anything before that I regret, but something needed to be addressed and accounted for. I just can't put my finger on what. It feels like we've gotten through a major crisis, but we haven't. We weren't threatened in any way, it was just that something wasn't clear.
It's wonderful what we have now (but wasn't it wonderful what we had before last week?). The tough time added something substantial and colorful to our relationship, and then we were able to have some awesome times and kick back some. I think. The second night in Bess's apartment was so comfortable and secure and rich. I don't even want to think about if I hadn't gone out.
I got in touch with Ching Ching last night. I keep forgetting how well she knows me, how well aware she is of my situations, reactions, and feelings. The unwavering support she gives me against the 'rents is so unprecedented that I don't even know how to put my appreciation into words. She knows I'm always at risk when I'm here and her concern is a moral boost.
I will always remember her as someone who really cared to find out the truth about what's going on with me. She was there when I had my troubles with Oberlin, she wasn't a participant, but she was around when it happened. We had become friends our first semester, she was so far removed from her roots in California and we just found each other friends. Then suddenly, second semester I was gone, stuck into some hospital and then suspended. So now when she gets a hint that something's wrong, she probes deep to make sure she’s in the know.
She is like kin now. Our connection runs deep, even though words are a barrier between us and the ideas we share don't always fully develop into each other's understanding. We don't automatically understand each other and we have to explain our ideas a lot and make them tangible and concrete, simplified in a way that doesn't do the thoughts justice.
