Amina and I have been doing great as a result of my last visit to Oberlin. A lot of my anxiety and insecurity concerning our relationship that grew in March has disappeared. I've been writing to her regularly, but not forcing myself for the sake of putting something in her mailbox. I haven't been forcing myself to call her every few days because of the imagined possibility that she was expecting a call from me.
I've been paying attention to my feelings more closely and that has made me more comfortable and secure. I am putting faith in her to tell me when she wants or needs something from me. So I'm feeling more comfortable in this relationship. Even though I wasn't aware of being uncomfortable before.
I'm still waiting to hear from law schools. It occurs to me during this period of waiting that I have no idea what I'm going to do if I don't get in. I've started banking on this law school thing and I've made no alternate plans in case I don't get in. I hope I have the self-respect left to gather all I can on my back and walk out the door. I will have no more need for the 'rents.
I think back to these past six months and I feel like I've been totally stripped of integrity. I've let them have their way on everything. I've numbed all resistance as a matter of strategy. I've let them insult my principles and my very being. I've suppressed my thoughts and deadened my feelings. I've kept silent through their obsession with law school which has fueled their lies, coercion, and manipulation. So if I don't get into one, that's it. Their reign of dehumanization is over and I'm outta here.
