Well, I got into law school. I haven't told the 'rents yet, I'm going to let them stew a little longer and make sure I've prepared the situation to my advantage. I've already gotten them to (enthusiastically) promise to buy me a $2000 electronic drumset if I got into law school. I didn't have to argue a case for it. I didn't even have to tell them what it was. I actually wasn't going to even press for it, $2000 is a lot of money! If they said "$2000!!!", I would have dropped it right then and there.
Bob was down here and I didn’t tell him either. I can’t trust him. He’s pretty much caved into the ‘rent’s perspective. I never would have thought that he'd become the way he is now. I think he's really fucked up. He covers up, justifies, and apologizes for a lot more than he would admit. He's deluding himself. He now sees just as much of the 'rents' perspective as he sees mine. That would be reasonable if he were a middleman, a mediator, but he isn't. He has been just as much subjected to this upbringing as I have, he is just as much a victim. So for him to take neutral ground is indicative of something. I don't know what. A lot, though.
Contrary to my previous belief, I think he was very directly affected by our upbringing. He wasn't just a passive player that tried to keep the peace or stand aloof. I no longer believe that any psychological burden he carries is due to the indirect fallout of the conflicts between the rents, Tom, and/or me. He was always right there in the thick of it and it has made him what he is now.
I even wonder how much he really wants to be a doctor. It always seemed so perfect and easy for him. The 'rents wanted him to be a doctor and he wanted to be a doctor, and he had the academic record and intelligence to do it. Now I question whether he would have become a doctor if the 'rents hadn't pushed that from the get-go. Maybe he had it the worst. He didn't even have a chance to resist. Maybe the impulse was suppressed from the start.
It seemed like he would be the one to turn out successful and happy since he was good at anything he tried. Everything he touched he did well. But now this change in personality is so drastic that it begs for some explanation. Tracing the path back with hindsight, his background also allows for alternative paths that he may have preferred to have pursued and didn't.
He has acknowledged and accepted how the 'rents express affection through money. I'm sorry, that is just such a twisted treatment of human communication, expression, and family interaction. For Bob to endorse it just blows my mind. Instead of establishing trust, loyalty, and love, they make money, and then use that money in place of trust, loyalty, and love. Making money is so much easier, and making money is a one-sided undertaking. Forming a relationship necessitates complex compromise, understanding, and acceptance between multiple parties and their respective personalities, perspectives, and values. The 'rents just make money and they give money.
Love as money also means that there is a limit to their love. Once their bank account is theoretically exhausted, there is nothing attaching me to them. The love ran out. And besides, who gave them the right to redefine love, its meaning and its expression? If they can define that in their own terms, I can re-define what I give back. What do they want? Gratitude, filial piety, respect? Why can't I define for myself how those things are expressed?
