1557 Noe Street, San Francisco

I don’t even know what it means to fall in love anymore. After Amina, after Shiho, after Josephine, I have no idea what the feeling is anymore. I don’t think I can fall in love anymore. It’s a practice in futility. Any approach to loving someone would solely be an intellectual exercise. I will never just fall in love with anyone ever again. Because of Amina, because of Shiho, because of Josephine, I will always have my defenses up, I will always be looking to protect myself, and with defenses and protections up, I will never be able to love again. I will always be gauging the other person’s behavior to determine whether to fall in love and how I fall in love. That’s not love. Love is not a response, it is an affirmative act. Otherwise, it’s not love. How do I absorb the fact that I will never fall in love again? I need to think deeply about that. If my feeling is a response to another person’s behaviors, it is not love.