I came to a spiritual impasse yesterday. Things were getting rough. I was depressed and distressed, staring at the ceiling wondering what I’m doing here. Why was my life the way it was? Who are these people in my life? It culminated in a decision to take a break from the spiritual path for a while. Cease my ponderings and investigations. They were becoming oppressive and frustrating and only confused me more. They brought more questions than answers and overwhelmed me. Recognizing a burden is not supposed to promote dysfunction. That’s not the purpose of it, so just let it go, good-bye. Just live for a while. I relaxed, breathed, felt better and was bombarded by a load of insights within the hour. I was trying too hard.
Vikki. I was talking on the phone with Vikki yesterday. Why do we treat each other the way we do? Or rather, why do I treat her problems the way I do? I have trouble showing her that I treat her problems seriously. I poke fun at her problems and stoke her insecurities. No one else do I treat that way. Why Vikki? Part of it is that she is so attached to her misery and perpetuates herself, unintentionally I’m sure, as the pitiful, pathetic victim. It’s hard to take such melodrama too seriously. And then she laughs along with my poking fun at her problems which perpetuates the dynamic. You try to have fun with friends, but with Vikki it’s all about her problems. And usually the problems involve men, and that makes it even more difficult to treat seriously. Especially since she’s drop-dead gorgeous.
But it’s more than me not taking the subject matter of her problems seriously. I realize problems are subjective things. There is no gauge but our own feelings to determine the depth of our problems. There is no way to diminish problems by comparing them to problems that are “more serious”. What’s important is how Vikki feels about them and the impact they have on her. So why do I do it?
We were on the phone talking about her problems and I could sense the gravity with which she felt them, but I couldn’t treat them seriously the way I would have treated other peoples’ problems. For some reason, there was always a humorous aspect creeping in. It was in the way she attached to her problems, they took on a “divinely comic” quality. It was as if god was trying to lead her to a solution. God had given her a perfect set up to learn something and all she could do is attach to the problem, and the solution being so clear, it was funny the way she would just attach to the problem.
