Amina and I have had two consecutive conversations that have been tense and non-communicative. I can’t help but fear the worst for our relationship. I love her so dearly with all my heart, mind and spirit. The thought of losing her after loving her for this long is unbearable.
We’re both under a lot of stress, though, and there is no way the way we treat each other can’t be affected. I pray that it is temporary and doesn’t damage what we have. But we need to learn how to deal with each other under stress. Perhaps we’ll grow into it.
I made those two phone calls and I regret it now. She’s in crunch time and doesn’t need me distracting her. Even when we can be positive and have fun, it still takes energy and distracts. I have been telling her everything that I’ve been going through and that can’t have been easy, since I’m sure she has problems of her own. Problems that she doesn’t tell me about, I’m sure.
I didn’t even want to talk to her the last time I called her. I’ve been getting confused lately; a cloudy sort of numbing I-don’t-care type of confused. I know exactly where I stand and I’m resolute in who I am and what I’m doing, but things have started getting cloudy in general; on the fringes. I’ve been craving the company of people who are on similar emotional ground as me. And that’s not Amina.
Amina has declared that she has no sympathy for people begging for sympathy. I’m not sure what that means, but I think she was directing that at me. Perhaps my constant complaining about my circumstances spurred that remark. So I’ve respected her stance and have ranted and raved about my situation with no expectation of sympathy or concern on her part. She knows how to keep her distance.
But now I feel that I’ve temporarily taken a step away from the front and the actual fight and find myself in need of people who are able to step into a closer circle around me. Not even to talk about it specifically, but at least someone within the circle and to know they are there. And that’s not Amina. But god how I love Amina, why shouldn’t it be her? Why is she still keeping her distance?
A lot of it is my fault. Whether or not she can maintain her distance, I tell her every little thing that I’m going through and she has to defend herself against whatever feelings my experience may evoke. She has to keep her guard up against any negativity I’m feeling in my life because she has nothing to do with it and wants nothing to do with it. She certainly hasn’t told me otherwise. It’s my fault that I’ve told her everything. I shouldn’t have.
But Amina also doesn’t delineate what boundaries are OK to cross and which I have to be conscious of. I’m still defining what boundaries I think exist because she isn’t doing it. I’m still defining her role in the mess of my life because she hasn’t given me any indication of what she wants her role to be. I’m still telling her my effect on her and her life because she isn’t telling me. Distances and boundaries define our relationship, how they got that way I don’t know. How to fix things, I also don’t know.
