Almost every time I’ve really needed Amina, I wasn’t able to get in touch with her. Coincidence?
Maybe it has always been for the better, I don’t think I want to expose Amina to this side of me, especially this time. Things went a little far this time and I cut up my legs pretty bad and slugged down a whole glass of vodka. Putting gashes in my legs stopped working when it got to the point that it wasn’t doing anything except making me more angry. It wasn’t relieving anything. One cut probably could use stitches, but doesn’t need it. I don’t mind it scarring in a nasty way. I want to remember this weekend far into the future.
I wasn’t home when the mail came. When I got home, I saw the large envelope from DePaul University and I could see that the envelope had been opened and an attempt had been made to make it look like it hadn’t been opened. One of the fuckheads was in the house. At first I thought it was the fuckhead who opened it, but decided to withhold judgment until I got more facts. I didn’t care what DePaul had to say since I had already gotten into Golden Gate University and intended to go there. I peeked in the envelope, saw that I was accepted and left it.
Later in the day, the fuckhead told me to go pick up the other fuckhead from the office. When I picked him up, he mentioned something about a scholarship. I didn’t know anything about it. Apparently DePaul offered a scholarship for $18,000. That confirmed without a shadow of doubt that the bitch had opened my mail and gone through the contents.
The violation was staggering. I silently fumed. The irony is that the reason I wasn’t at the house to intercept the mail was that I was out gleefully spending their money on the electronic drumset that was my right after I told them I got into Golden Gate. Was it worth it? No fucking way.
It gets worse. A little later, the bitch comes traipsing to my room feigning exuberance that she “just heard” that I got a scholarship. Maybe she thought I had read the acceptance letter and had told the other fuckhead when I was driving him home and then he told her. I was in no mood for her bullshit and called her on it, asking what she was talking about, she already had opened it and read the letter.
Her years of practiced lying obviously paid off, she didn’t miss a beat. She instantly processed that she had just been nailed and continued to spin it, saying that she looked at it but didn’t read the details. Funny, I didn’t see anything about a scholarship, that information must have come from somewhere. Her English must be much better than I thought to be able to just look at a letter and get such detail out of it. Fuckhead.
To make matters even worse, they then try to pressure me to go to DePaul. FUCK YOU!! What the hell. It was no problem for me to hold my line, I didn’t care about anything they said, I was going to San Francisco to get the fuck far away from them as possible.
They left for some party and I just lost it. I wanted to burn. I tried to call Amina, but fortunately to no avail. So I hacked away. This law school bullshit is getting out of hand. It has only gotten this far because I’m financially dependent and don’t have the means or ability to just leave and make it on my own. I have no idea how to look for a job, I have no resume, I have no experience. Every time I told them I wanted to get a job, they forked over more money and told me to study more. Which I never did anyway. I wouldn’t put it past them that they planned it this way so that they could have more control over the options and opportunities I have.
The fuckheads. They were ecstatic that I had gotten into Golden Gate, they had considered their mission as parents accomplished. They didn’t care where I went, they didn’t care how bad of a school I went to. Suddenly put $18,000 into the picture and it’s a whole new front, another battle. They’re so full of shit. They didn’t push law school for my benefit and future, they manipulated it because it gains them satisfaction and status; so that they can tell their friends that they have two doctors and a lawyer. It’s a game of cards to them. They’re not pushing for me to go to Chicago because of the money, they don’t need it, they said that the $18,000 they’re saving would go into my bank account. They want Chicago because they want me closer within their sphere of influence. No fucking way.
A car, the drumset, spending the Summer in Oberlin, none of the money is worth it. The money doesn’t have the value that the fuckheads think they do. I don’t need any of the stuff, and in a different situation I certainly wouldn’t even ask for any of it.
Not that if the fuckheads put more emphasis and effort into family and less in money, everything would be coming up roses. Problems and conflicts are a way that families learn and grow and build a relationship. But there has to be learning and growing by both parties. There has to be an emotional investment. The fuckheads learn nothing and are complacent as they are and invest only money. I am not interested.
Even with problems and conflicts, a family that invests emotionally is functional and there is always hope for reconciliation. There is no hope in this family because there is no groundwork, there is no foundation on which to build anything. There is only resentment, hatred, and distrust. There is nothing to reconcile, it has all been about business and economics. Money.
If things were different, I would be a vastly different person. I am a direct product of their upbringing, not a passive victim of their negligence. I won’t say everything is perfect as they are since I don’t very much care for who I am and would prefer not to exist as I am, but as long as I’m here, I can accept that whatever happens to me in the future is pretty much a direct result of the upbringing they had to offer. Anything I do is explainable as a result of what they’ve sown. My future is a natural progression from the kind of upbringing they’ve given.
So I gain materially through all this. I’m making out like a bandit and making sure they come through with everything they now owe me. It makes no difference that they are unsatisfied after they intercepted the DePaul letter. That’s their own fault. The agreement was that I go to law school, not where I go. If they feel they’re losing out because they’re not getting exactly what they want, that’s their own fault for not getting this in writing.
