I will wake up tomorrow because I’m going to go to sleep tonight. Daylight Savings Time started today. I’m glad that I will experience at least two days of these longer sunlight hours. These little things...
I woke up late this morning and was out the door almost immediately to get to the darkroom. I seem to have attached myself to getting this photodiary into some complete form. It’s arbitrary. I’m grasping for straws. It’s really not that important. It’s nothing to be proud of. It’s not a clear endeavor of artistic expression. I’m not saying anything through it.
So the plan was to pick up the final photos in the afternoon. That didn’t happen. I got held up. So as of tonight, the photodiary isn’t finished and I’m mildly obsessing about it. I need to get this done, when I know damn well that I don’t. It’s not a good excuse to wake up tomorrow, but I will. I’ll go to sleep tonight.
I went to school to try to read. Couldn’t do it. Didn’t see anyone I know, found nothing of meaning. I came home and tried to call people. Answering machines or asleep. Why am I doing this to myself? It’s all a big joke now. I’m demeaning myself by clinging. In the clutch I lose my dignity. Why don’t I just go?
I know that if I was meant to live, something would have come up. Something to live for another week, another month. Instead I’m getting the complete opposite. I’m getting things that are annoying me, irritating me, aggravating me, compounding all the reasons I have to leave. And instead I live. I say one more day. I need to get those photos and put them in the scrapbook. Then why am I planning on going to classes? What I do makes no sense.
I’m eager to see what excuse I make for myself tomorrow night to wake up Tuesday morning. If I have any pride at all, this will be my last entry.
