Luyen’s gone too far. We had been getting along fairly well, doing things together, talking relatively openly, having an OK time in general. But once the bottom falls out, it feels like I’ve been taking a beating from her. My personal time and space feels sacrificed and abused and I was left feeling very vulnerable.
In retrospect, I can deal with feeling taken for granted and used, these things can be resolved, but I couldn’t take the game playing and mind tests. When she expects me to figure out that something is wrong, figure out what is wrong, and then approach her about it, that’s more than I can deal with. When she gives no clues, doesn’t reach out at all, remains cold and aloof, and takes it out on me when I don’t do what she wants me to do, forget it.
I used to be like that years ago, but no one was stupid enough to get close enough to me to be the target of blame when things didn’t go my way. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself, and maybe that isolation helped me get out of it with my self-esteem intact and whatever humility I was fortunate enough to get. I had to deal with it all inside my head.
Blame is a difficult sentiment to control, it comes up naturally when people feel hurt. Luyen can say that she won’t blame me, but it’s hard to put much faith in that statement. I didn’t have enough patience. I didn’t ease her pain. I didn’t understand her problems enough. I didn’t try. I wasn’t there when she needed me. I didn’t care when she called for help.
The world doesn’t revolve around her. I don’t have the time or space to commune with her like birds. I can’t become her or be her to the point that I’m in tune with all her feelings and problems.
