Who am I fooling? I’ve been running the break-up scenario through my head and I can’t deny that it must have been what I wanted. If I really wanted to continue the relationship, I could have easily assuaged her and comforted her and assured her that I was right there with her. I didn’t. I DIDN’T. She was leaving and I opened the door for her.
Luyen never really pulled me in close. She never endeared herself to me. She never set my heart fluttering. She just sort of expected love unconditionally on the basis of our bonding last semester. And last semester is soured by the fact that my relationship with Hiromi suffered because of her. Our relationship was only possible if Hiromi and I broke up. Hiromi and I weren’t meant for each other, there were a lot of things wrong with that relationship, but she didn’t deserve to feel pushed out by another woman.
It’s hard because I see so much of what I went through in what Luyen is going through now. But I’m not her and she is not me. I failed to even help her with my past experience. But that’s the point of this path. She won’t go through the self-realizations my problems brought to me. She won’t be self-deprecating in positive ways or self-critical to understand herself and others. She’s on her own path and I can only wish her luck. I failed, but that’s not a reflection of my abilities or character.
I wrote a letter to Amina after breaking up with Luyen and she was prompt in her reply. I got really personal and she was aloof at best. So she wasn’t much of a friend after all. All that I thought was intimacy was my own imagination. All that I thought was meaningful was my own creation. She helped me bring a lot out of myself and I kind of wish she had more to do with it than bring it out. I’d like to think that she put something in my life. No. She would have nothing to do with my life. She just goes about on her way and influences me and can’t be bothered.
