Well. Josephine and I have problems. Two problems in the span of four days, that’s a pretty bad record; it’s a bad sign. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to play games or struggle to figure out the person I’m supposed to love. No, I don’t love her to the point that I can’t walk away from this unharmed. She’s just not familiar enough, not ingrained enough for that.
I don’t even know what the problem was. We were fine all day, then she started getting distant in class where she was sitting right behind me. Then immediately after class she left to go to the bathroom, and when she came back she just stayed away from me. Then she stayed away from me for the rest of the evening and didn’t even look at me at dinner.
I thought maybe she just had something on her mind and I decided to leave her alone. Later she said that there was nothing on her mind, which means my perceptions were dead wrong. Regardless of the lack of any fault in the distance, I tend to react to it. I do have problems with abandonment and alienation. When I feel someone distancing, I tend to just withdraw and want to be alone and distrust that person; even more distrust when that person won’t even corroborate a reason for the distance.
Maybe it’s best for her. All I can do is drag her down in the isolation of my world. She belongs out there doing stuff and having fun with the group of people, that’s the point of the program. Not deal with the backlashes of my distorted and scarred psyche. She’s better off without me.
