Josephine and I are still experiencing ups and downs. Today was a major down, but we ignored and avoided each other to prevent a fight. So, we're still holding to our promise not to fight, but I think she's straining. Three cars went up to Ayuthaya where Josephine and I went last week.
Apparently Josephine encountered some sort of epiphany last night and she's forging out a newfound independence and freewill. So we were trying to decide whether we were going to go on this little excursion today. It was an unnecessary trip by any account since we just went last week. So we decided not to go. But then I thought that this is going to be the last group excursion since the program is pretty much over and people are going their respective directions next week. So I decided to go. Then she decided to go because I decided to go. Halfway through the day, when we were deciding where to go next in Ayuthaya, Josephine suggested going home and said that she was bored.
My confidence in this relationship is very low at this point. We avoided a fight by avoiding each other. I decided adamantly that I wasn't going to see her or talk to her tonight, and I hold to that. That's OK, really. Avoiding a problem is better than fighting as far as I'm concerned, that's how sick of fighting I am. I'm willing to sacrifice a lot to avoid fights. So what we did was definitely the preferable course of action. What the tension between us says about the relationship is another thing.
My dislike for Sui has reached new lows as it appears Josephine's friendship with her has reached a new height. They spoke in Chinese for most of the ride back, and I realized how comfortable she sounded speaking in Chinese, even though the communication wasn't smooth since Sui's Mandarin isn't perfect. I'm realizing the huge communication barrier between us. It's fine for me using English because I'm not the one struggling with a foreign language. But for Josephine, there is so much that she can't express, and she is constrained by our limitation to English. That's another reason to believe we're wrong for each other.
Well, if avoiding and ignoring problems is how we deal with problems, I can deal with it at this point. In those times of tension, I just need to be by myself, let things cool down and when we get back together, pretend nothing happened. Story of my life.
Suicide is also not a settled issue come Josephine. It's still certainly here, albeit dormant for the past few weeks. The past few weeks haven't been reality. Bangkok, the YMCA hotel, rooms across the hall from each other. I haven't thought about reality in a while and I have the opportunity to avoid it even more, having applied for another year in school.
The possibility does cross my mind, though, of not returning to the States at all. Doing it here would certainly feel much better than in San Francisco. Do it after Madoka and I return to Bangkok. When I'm supposed to go to the airport, not to.
The current plans are that I'm supposed to go to Taiwan for a few days to see Josephine there. Those plans have two days to get scrapped if a fight gets out of hand. If they do get scrapped, then I think I’ll take it as a sign and start planning on not going back to the States. These euphemisms are getting out of hand. “Waking up tomorrow”, “not go back to the States”? Come on.
